Je suis un ananas

Contrary to popular misconcption, the French are actually quite willing to speak English to a foriegner, expecially when she is saying nonsensical things like "Le chat sur le chaize, J'aime le chat. Ma famille, 3 chats. Je voudrez thé vert?"
Therefor, whenever I enter a restaurant and forget how to say "I would like" or don't listen correctly to the cost of a coffee ("1.4€" "Oui, d'accord; (as I sit in a chair)" "You didn't understand what I said, did you?" "No..." "That will be 1 Euro and 40c please." "Oh, of course. sorry" "did you want milk in that?" "No") the staff immediately switches to English. Likewise, whenever I ask for directions and understand "100m à gauche" but forget the word for "ok" or "I understand" I am asked to please wait while an English speaker is located.

Therefor, I have decided to enlist the help, via YouTube, of "un ananas"
I now know 4 useful phrases thanks to a daily dose of téléfrançaise, the best thing to come out of Quebec since fries and gravy:

"Tu es un ananas?"
"Je suis un ananas"
"Les ananas ne parlent pas"
"Les ananas ne dansent pas"

Thats right folks, in the event that, while in France, I am asked whether or not a pineapple can dance, I am prepared...

Où est le briquet?

Sil vous plait, passe moi le tabac
Où est le briquet?
Je ne sais pas
Le briquet sut le table?
Non. Le Briquet sur le table.

This is my first conversation. Apparently, the phrase "Où est la bibliothèque" can be modified so that I am actually asking for something useful:
"Où est la gare?" (where is the train station)
"Où sont les toilettes?" (where are the toilets?)
"Où est mon briquet?" (where the Hell did I put my lighter?)

I can now have a French conversation in the event that, while smoking cigarettes, the lighter has gone missing.

Pronunciation Guide: Do not pronounce the 't'
This has taken me 3 weeks to figure out, as my friends, while teaching me, were not actually pronouncing it correctly but were actually imitating my accent. This is really not their fault; my accent is hilarious...

Asking for the lighter Part Deux:
Like the spanish, the correct way to ask for a lighter is to ask if someone has fire; only an idiot or a non French speaker refers to it as a briquet. However, I am sentimentally attached to this phrase so I can never remember, in the correct situation, when I am usually also "bourré"
(Je suis bourré = I am drunk)
"Avez-vous le feu?"

Also: Things you can say to your friends that are rediculously easy to remember because they are the simplest phrase anyone can think of but should never be used on people on the street:
"Sil vous plait, Dun moi un cigarette"
Even if you say please first, "Give me a cigarette!" is not the best phrase to use...

Pollie dans le France

And I recall, in the 8th grade, being asked to choose my second language: French or Spanish.
French? For what? In case of the unlikely event of visiting Quebec?
Spanish? Includes a grade 12 trip to Mexico? Sign Me Up!

Which leaves me at the following level of French comprehension common to all Canadians:
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Pollie
Comment ça va?
ça va bien, et tu?
Où est la bibliothèque?
Le Chat sur la table.
And, of course, the usual Canadian labels such as:
Attention, café chaud
Arret (I do not know how to make the little hat on the keyboard...)
Jus d'orange
Sortie de secours
50% moins de sel
Je deteste la ketchup
J'aime le hockey

And now I find myself in France...